The Swine Guide to Beating the Kredit Krunch

Originally published in www.swinemagazine.co.uk Nov 08

If you’re reading this you’re probably huddled around a clockwork Mac in a school gymnasium, having bartered the sleeves from your Lyle and Scott pullover for ten minutes online time. The Kredit Krunch has been hard on us all, but Swine is here to assist you with the simple process of living now that the economy is in ruins and marshall law is just around the corner.

Tip 1 – Foraging

It’s been a couple of weeks so your body has run out of fat reserves and is now burning off muscle and sinew. Shortly your limbs and extremities will contract from tissue wastage, leaving your gnarled hands looking like grasping Madonna-claws. Now is the time to forage for seasonal bounty. Roundabouts are a good source of defunct daffodil bulbs, they’re near to the surface so you shouldn’t expend much energy digging them out with your ragged, bloody fingertips. Another good bet is conkers – they’re not as poisonous as they look and you can chew on one for hours if you put your mind to it.

Tip 2 – Shelter

If you’re one of the 5 million people whose house is now owned by the Pathfinder scheme, then you’ll be living under a tarpaulin while an upwardly mobile first-time buyer snaps up your property as buy-to-let for the cut price of £1.5 million for a one bedroom flat. Tarpaulins are a luxury you can’t really afford – but you can get a cheap water butt or compost bin from the council under the European Social Fund Too Little Too Late Environmental plan, and two people can live in there quite comfortably. To deter squatters, spray paint ‘electric off’ or ‘rats in house’ onto the front like they’ve done on Edge Lane.

Tip 3 – Entertainment

During the war (the Iraq war) people got by one 40 inch plasma per family, but these are dark times and you’ll have to be more creative. If you have children, consider letting them join a ‘crew’ or a gang run by a friendly old Jewish gentleman who will teach them to do street theatre in the East End of London. The re-introduction of the death penalty under the tyrannical reign of High Commander Ian Blair is a blessing in disguise. Public executions are a cheap day out for all the family, and as they’re now being held in stadiums you can once again take to the terraces and yell abuse at paedos, rapists and robbers without having to pay £30 for the privilege.

Tip 4 – Sex

The government’s new policy of ‘one child per home’ contains many loopholes. (You may only have one child, but you can still have two ‘dogs’). However, the high price of contraception rules out vaginal intercourse, unless you’re a lezzer. Back door action is where it’s at, but remember it is still illegal, so if you’re caught it may mean castration or eviction from your compost bin. A safer option is just to read each other erotic fan fiction which you can find on any Liverpool FC discussion forum. Just search “Torres, Stevie, hard tackle ” and there’s a wealth of filthy imaginings to make those mandatory 19 hour nights just fly by. Going gay is another option.

Tip 5 – Alcohol

Alcohol is the only thing that makes life worth living, but high prices and increased demand has prices the average citizen out of the pub. You might try leaving fruit to go off and ferment. I heard that works. Virtually anything that can alter your mind in any way is now too expensive, but a good head injury works every time. You’ll feel lightheaded and woozy, slur your speech and pass out, all without spending a penny. Maybe you and a friend could take it turns to smack each other in the head with stones, or run tandem into a wall at full pelt – whichever way you try to do it, those ‘hangovers’ the next day will make you feel like you’ve had a great night in Spooners.

So there you have it – the Kredit Krunch doesn’t have to be all misery and death – make a bit off effort and it’ll be just like the war, which your dad always says was so fucking fantastic. Have fun Swiners!

The Top 5 Most Offensive Children's Films*

*as defined by the Christian Childcare Action Project

Originally from Swine Magazine May 09

The Christian Childcare Action Project (or CAPP) spend most of their time viewing filth, in order to warn other parents about the perils of letting your child watch kissing or arguing on the big screen. They rate films out of a hundred, the lower the score, the more evil the film, with a score of 100 being the goal for which all entertainment should strive. Now if you’re sitting reading this and thinking “I don’t need a bunch of God-botherers to tell me which films aren’t suitable for Cruz and Rihanna”, you’d be so very, very wrong. As you can see, sometimes the most debauched children’s films can slip through the net…

5. The Wild Thornberrys Movie

If you’re looking at the title and thinking, “Hey, isn’t that the cartoon about a family of ecologists with mum and dad and three cute kids?” You’d be right. And either a parent or a little too interested in children’s films. Get out. Just get out right now.

One of the talking animals is called Darwin, which doesn’t go down well. CAP goes on for a whole paragraph about how apes don’t have souls, but the real issue it has with the film is that of youthful impudence and death threats. Eliza, the Dr Doolittle-esque heroine runs afoul of poachers who threaten to kill her. Fair enough, you might think, it’s wrong to threaten the life of a child, but it’s not quite as bad as goading a parent into trying to kill a child. You know, like GOD DID!

God instructed Abraham to take his boy Isaac up onto a mountain top and offer him up a sacrifice. Not only did Abraham bound up the mountain like a billy goat, anxious to please the Big Man, he made Isaac carry up the wood for his own funeral pyre. Nice guy.

The Wild Thornberrys Movie scores 33% evil for talking to animals, children disobeying parents and death threats on children.

God scores 49% evil for death threat on child and prolonged mental and physical torture.

Funniest contraventions of Biblical law : flatulence, “crude monkey display.”

4. Scooby Doo

The live-action Scooby Doo movie was offensive to public decency in many ways; the fact that it even exists sometimes makes me want to punch the wall until my knuckles bleed. The CAP reviewer is particularly incensed by the amount of cleavage on display from Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar), and one scene in which Fred and Daphne swap bodies and comment on the possibilities which could arise.

Cleavage is indeed a problem. In the Bible for example, the Song of Solomon has this to say; “Thy stature is like a palm tree, and thy breasts are clusters of grapes. I will go up the palm tree and clutch the boughs.” Nudge nudge, wink wink. If that’s too vague a suggestion for you, check out Genesis 19, where Lot gets drunk and screws both his daughters. Yes, you read that right.

There’s one area on which CAP and the rest of the world agrees. “ Scrappy is not at all likable. Indeed, Scrappy is demonic and bitter with a hugely misshapen grotesque head of monstrous proportions and features and an attitude to match.”

Scooby Doo – 40% evil for cleavage and an annoying dog.

God – 90% evil for prolonged incest and poems which belong on a toilet wall.

Funniest contravention of Biblical law : “Daphne’s head under Scooby’s tail”.

3. Eragon

A fantasy story about a kid who realises he can ride dragons and has some kind of mystical quest to complete. Something to do with destiny or having great hair.

There seems to be genuine disappointment at the lack of cursing but CAP gets its knickers in a twist about Eragon’s ‘refusal to leave a residence’. They are also dismayed by the amount of ungodly creatures, and then by the fact that Eragon kills them. “Unholy beasts and creatures throughout” states the review, and it could almost be talking about the Old Testament, which is chock full of cool beasts. The cherubim sound cute but they had four faces; of a man, a lion, an ox and an eagle. They also had wings and carried flaming swords, whereas all Eragon has is some crappy dragons. That’s not to mention the actual Beast of the Bible, which is so fearsome it needs a capital letter, and has seven heads and ten horns.

Eragon – 41% evil for mystical dragons and almost-cock

God – 62% evil for flaming swords and things with a numerically interesting head and horn combo.

Funniest contraventions of Biblical law : “below navel skin threatening exposure of that which follows.”

2. Shrek

One of the most baffling entries because of the judgements made upon what is or isn’t ‘damaging’ to children. In this film Shrek inherits the crown of Far, Far Away from the King. Mistake number one, as ‘death of old age’ apparently comes under the bracket of violence and crime. If he died of old age then surely the criminal here is God?

The reviewer is disgusted that there is a scene which depicts a baby accidentally seeing his father’s genitals, and also that a donkey is present at the time. Now anyone brave enough to whip it out in front of a donkey when there’s a third party there to make comparisons gets a slap on the back from me. And when did it become sinful for a donkey to see your bits? Unless you’re covering them in apple sauce and swinging them coquettishly (thankyou Youtube) I can’t see where this would be a problem.

Check out Ezekiel 23, where our old friend the Song of Solomon has a word to say about donkeys; “She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys’ and whose emission was like that of horses.” I swear to God I am not making this up – and He knows, His guys wrote the damn thing.

The review ends with this comment about the trailers for the film; “By the way, in the trailers selected for the showing I attended, Bart Simpson is seen frontally nude with a French fry hiding the most intimate features of his gender-specific parts, about the same amount of Austin Powers' flesh hidden by the baby's head. Come quickly, Jesus! We are morally attacking our children!”

I would like to think that the reviewer has a room full of dusty case files which contain comparative images of cocks and what they are obscured by in the movies.

Shrek the Third – 45% evil for fighting and showing a donkey your cock.

God – 80% evil for donkey-cock loving whores.

Funniest contravention of Bible law : “character in underwear, repeatedly”.

1. Kangaroo Jack

This PG romp about a kangaroo who accidentally steals mob money receives a rating of 29/100, which in CAP terms makes it less suitable for children’s viewing than Kill Bill Volume 2 which gets a respectable 33.

Amongst the films misdemeanours are “lies”, “reckless driving” and what the reviewer refers to as “grossly exaggerated flatulence”. We are not told what constitutes a ‘gross exaggeration’, there are no charts to aid our decision making.

The violence in the film seems to be of particular concern, not only “fighting” but “beating”, “strike in the face” and “assault”. I commend the reviewer’s vigilance at spotting the differences between beating and striking in the face, and between these two and assault. And between those three and fighting.

If violence is an issue for our reviewer he may want to set to his Bible with a big black marker to protect the youth. God is the shizzle at imaginative violence, for example, did you know that the dowry paid by King David for his wife was 100 foreskins? And not only did David go and get them without hesitation, he got twice as many, just to show the future father-in-law he was serious.

Kangaroo Jack – 71% evil for violence requiring four synonyms.

God - 98% evil for crimes against the foreskin.

Funniest contravention of Bible law : “attention to crotch”

Dishonourable Mentions

Very few films achieve that golden 100 rating which means there is absolutely nothing Biblically wrong with the film. The ratings system is so robust that not even actual Bible stories can escape the beady eye of the CAP reviewers.

Baby Miracles is a series of Bible stories made for children, and although they got a 100 rating for their re-telling of the story of creation, they weren’t so lucky with Noah’s Ark and Jonah and the Whale. CAP knocks two points off the Noah story because of the ‘violence’ included when people are drowned for disobeying God. Jonah and the Whale is docked three points for violence, namely, yes, you guessed it “man being swallowed by whale”.

Similarly, The Joseph Story, a cartoon by Bugtime Adventures, is reprimanded for showing Joseph being sold into slavery. The Jesus Video has scenes of ‘side-on male nudity’ and, shock, horror “death by crucifixion”, which makes it less suitable for children than The Jungle Book 2.

May God have mercy on our souls – though He probably wouldn’t, looking at the evidence.

The Secret Life of Beers

Originally published in Swine Magazine - April 09

If like me you find the conversation can dry up after 12 solid drinking hours, read on and furnish your pickled brain with some proper knowledge on our malty best friends.

Hoegaarden

This trendy witbieren was on its arse back in 1955. The Belgian Hoegaarden brewery (named after the town) closed its doors and it was left to a milkman called Pierre Celis to brew some up in hay loft ten years later. Demand was still high and times were good, until a massive fire claimed the new brewery in 1985 and Celis had to take the InBev dollar to rebuild it. He complained that InBev wanted to change the traditional recipe to make the beer more mass marketable, and took his ball home, starting the new Celis Brewery in Texas. InBev tried to close the Hoegaarden brewery and move it but local protests stopped them in their tracks and the beer continues to be brewed there.

The traditional many sided Hoegaarden glass comes in 12 sizes, from a tiny shot glass used for product launches to a 12 pint version which InBev claim is for 'display purposes only'.

Tetley's Bitter

Henry Boddington, John Smith and Joshua Tetley – or the Holy Trinity as I call them – are the fathers of modern British Bitter. Joshua bought the Leeds brewery in 1822 and in 1839 made his son a partner in the new Joshua Tetley and Son Brewery. By the sixties the company was expanding and merged with the Warrington Walkers (of which I am not one – my family were the other Warrington Walkers, much to my shame), the start of many name changes and buyouts until the word Tetley was dropped from the brand all together and Carlsberg UK became the brewer.

In 1911 Tetley's challenged Harry Houdini to escape from a cask of their ale. He didn't manage it, and indeed who would want to?

Guinness

Synonymous with Ireland but based on a porter, which originated in London. So concerned were the brewery with quality they hired a statistician called William Sealy Gosset to work out which were the best yielding varieties of barley. To prevent Guinness secrets being revealed he was never allowed to publish academic papers under his own name, and his greatest work, Student's t-distribution, was published under this pseudonym. I haven't the foggiest what this t-distribution means but basically whenever you use Microsoft Excel you're using it.

Burn The Arenas : The MEN vs the Hollywood Bowl

I find it hard to express in words how much I detest the Manchester Evening News Arena. Usually I settle for a primal scream which is a cross between a slaughtered goat and the first spasmodic mewlings of a Boyzone reunion tour audience. Sometimes I dress a dummy in a big yellow jacket and burn it, simultaneously hitting it with sticks and crying.

The MEN is like a punishment for wanting to be entertained. I suspect it was designed by a member of Opus Dei who is sickened by the decadence of performance that he wants us all to be metaphorically birched by high ticket prices, ridiculously overpriced food and a Gestapo like staff who would sooner leave your children orphaned than allow you to use flash photography.

I haven't been to the MEN for a while, in fact I have avoided it like the plague. Actually, if someone said to me "Kirsty, there's a village over there with the plague, or there's the MEN arena", I would hitch hike to the plague ridden village singing Hallelujah. Unfortunately, any performer slightly more popular than The Wurzels seemed destined to end up there and so I ventured to see Steve Coogan wishing I could just be blinkered and sedated like a travelling racehorse until I reached my seat.

First off, you don't park in the MEN if you want to get home before dawn. The arena car park is so congested that you all sit beeping and shouting at each other, edging forward inch by inch until someone just speeds over the edge of level four and everyone is rescued by helicopter. The alternative is to give £6 to Dazza who will ensure your car isn't broken into by waving a baseball bat with nails sticking out of it.

Once inside, that's it – you can't exit unless you're going home. This is because all of the tickets are checked by barcode, so once you get scanned, you're a prisoner of the venue. This is where the real fun begins. Fancy a drink? Well you've been frisked for bottles on the way in so you'll have to pay £3 for a warm mini-bottle of Becks that looks like something you'd give to a child so he could play at being a landlord. Either that or a pint in a plastic cup for £4.

Food is relegated to the starchy and inedible. They have a team of Chinese kids selling ice cream and candy floss, or a strange chicken wrappy thing, also £4. The hotdogs look like they've been made from previous employees and the pies were last seen on I Wouldn't Eat That, the hilarious consumer programme hosted by Nicky Campbell's devolved sense of self-importance.

Whilst sitting in this consumerist nightmare I recalled this summer when I went to Los Angeles and saw the new musical by Eric Idle at the Hollywood Bowl. The Bowl is one of the best and most famous performance venues in the world, but rather than beat you over the head with this fact they actively encourage people to come for the music and not the opportunity to spend. You can bring in your own food and drink (yes, even alcohol) and although they do provide food themselves it's reasonably priced. They rent you cushions to sit on for $2 and the only programme is a $3 magazine listing all of the season's performances and interviewing the people involved. Once inside the venue you can wander round as you please, the staff are actually there to help you rather than make you feel like you're in jail, and you can take flash photography all you want – it's an outdoor venue so it will look shit anyway. Oh, and by the way – the seats were even cheap. £10 to see the show from the cheap seats, with a view ten times better than the top tier of the MEN.

If the Bowl was transplanted to Manchester they'd ban all outside food and drink, force you to buy their rancid fast food and ensure that all staff members were on strict instructions not to allow anything which might pass for enjoyment or freedom. Ticket prices would skyrocket and they'd draft in Tweenies On Ice for a few months to make sure that a whole new generation of gig goers believed that this was the pinnacle of entertainment.

The Echo Arena is exactly the same, as is the NEC in Birmingham and the SECC in Glasgow. All nasty soulless places which have little to do with music, or with fun. Luckily it seems that all but the leviathans of music have deserted the Arena circuit, preferring to play twice as many shows in small venues and not have to spend millions on lighting design just to make sure the stage doesn't look too shit in the aircraft hanger they've been booked into.

Carling venues aren't up to much either but at least they don't try and masquerade as some kind of 'experience'. I'd rather 'experience' a rectal examination than the plastic scalping that goes on at arenas. I suggest an organised rebellion whereby 20,000 people all buy tickets to an event and walk in there wearing nacho hats filled with hot cheese. If I win the lottery this weekend I will make it happen. And so perish all tyrants!