*as defined by the Christian Childcare Action Project
Originally from Swine Magazine May 09
The Christian Childcare Action Project (or CAPP) spend most of their time viewing filth, in order to warn other parents about the perils of letting your child watch kissing or arguing on the big screen. They rate films out of a hundred, the lower the score, the more evil the film, with a score of 100 being the goal for which all entertainment should strive. Now if you’re sitting reading this and thinking “I don’t need a bunch of God-botherers to tell me which films aren’t suitable for Cruz and Rihanna”, you’d be so very, very wrong. As you can see, sometimes the most debauched children’s films can slip through the net…
5. The Wild Thornberrys Movie
If you’re looking at the title and thinking, “Hey, isn’t that the cartoon about a family of ecologists with mum and dad and three cute kids?” You’d be right. And either a parent or a little too interested in children’s films. Get out. Just get out right now.
One of the talking animals is called Darwin, which doesn’t go down well. CAP goes on for a whole paragraph about how apes don’t have souls, but the real issue it has with the film is that of youthful impudence and death threats. Eliza, the Dr Doolittle-esque heroine runs afoul of poachers who threaten to kill her. Fair enough, you might think, it’s wrong to threaten the life of a child, but it’s not quite as bad as goading a parent into trying to kill a child. You know, like GOD DID!
God instructed Abraham to take his boy Isaac up onto a mountain top and offer him up a sacrifice. Not only did Abraham bound up the mountain like a billy goat, anxious to please the Big Man, he made Isaac carry up the wood for his own funeral pyre. Nice guy.
The Wild Thornberrys Movie scores 33% evil for talking to animals, children disobeying parents and death threats on children.
God scores 49% evil for death threat on child and prolonged mental and physical torture.
Funniest contraventions of Biblical law : flatulence, “crude monkey display.”
4. Scooby Doo
The live-action Scooby Doo movie was offensive to public decency in many ways; the fact that it even exists sometimes makes me want to punch the wall until my knuckles bleed. The CAP reviewer is particularly incensed by the amount of cleavage on display from Daphne (Sarah Michelle Gellar), and one scene in which Fred and Daphne swap bodies and comment on the possibilities which could arise.
Cleavage is indeed a problem. In the Bible for example, the Song of Solomon has this to say; “Thy stature is like a palm tree, and thy breasts are clusters of grapes. I will go up the palm tree and clutch the boughs.” Nudge nudge, wink wink. If that’s too vague a suggestion for you, check out Genesis 19, where Lot gets drunk and screws both his daughters. Yes, you read that right.
There’s one area on which CAP and the rest of the world agrees. “ Scrappy is not at all likable. Indeed, Scrappy is demonic and bitter with a hugely misshapen grotesque head of monstrous proportions and features and an attitude to match.”
Scooby Doo – 40% evil for cleavage and an annoying dog.
God – 90% evil for prolonged incest and poems which belong on a toilet wall.
Funniest contravention of Biblical law : “Daphne’s head under Scooby’s tail”.
3. Eragon
A fantasy story about a kid who realises he can ride dragons and has some kind of mystical quest to complete. Something to do with destiny or having great hair.
There seems to be genuine disappointment at the lack of cursing but CAP gets its knickers in a twist about Eragon’s ‘refusal to leave a residence’. They are also dismayed by the amount of ungodly creatures, and then by the fact that Eragon kills them. “Unholy beasts and creatures throughout” states the review, and it could almost be talking about the Old Testament, which is chock full of cool beasts. The cherubim sound cute but they had four faces; of a man, a lion, an ox and an eagle. They also had wings and carried flaming swords, whereas all Eragon has is some crappy dragons. That’s not to mention the actual Beast of the Bible, which is so fearsome it needs a capital letter, and has seven heads and ten horns.
Eragon – 41% evil for mystical dragons and almost-cock
God – 62% evil for flaming swords and things with a numerically interesting head and horn combo.
Funniest contraventions of Biblical law : “below navel skin threatening exposure of that which follows.”
2. Shrek
One of the most baffling entries because of the judgements made upon what is or isn’t ‘damaging’ to children. In this film Shrek inherits the crown of Far, Far Away from the King. Mistake number one, as ‘death of old age’ apparently comes under the bracket of violence and crime. If he died of old age then surely the criminal here is God?
The reviewer is disgusted that there is a scene which depicts a baby accidentally seeing his father’s genitals, and also that a donkey is present at the time. Now anyone brave enough to whip it out in front of a donkey when there’s a third party there to make comparisons gets a slap on the back from me. And when did it become sinful for a donkey to see your bits? Unless you’re covering them in apple sauce and swinging them coquettishly (thankyou Youtube) I can’t see where this would be a problem.
Check out Ezekiel 23, where our old friend the Song of Solomon has a word to say about donkeys; “She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys’ and whose emission was like that of horses.” I swear to God I am not making this up – and He knows, His guys wrote the damn thing.
The review ends with this comment about the trailers for the film; “By the way, in the trailers selected for the showing I attended, Bart Simpson is seen frontally nude with a French fry hiding the most intimate features of his gender-specific parts, about the same amount of Austin Powers' flesh hidden by the baby's head. Come quickly, Jesus! We are morally attacking our children!”
I would like to think that the reviewer has a room full of dusty case files which contain comparative images of cocks and what they are obscured by in the movies.
Shrek the Third – 45% evil for fighting and showing a donkey your cock.
God – 80% evil for donkey-cock loving whores.
Funniest contravention of Bible law : “character in underwear, repeatedly”.
1. Kangaroo Jack
This PG romp about a kangaroo who accidentally steals mob money receives a rating of 29/100, which in CAP terms makes it less suitable for children’s viewing than Kill Bill Volume 2 which gets a respectable 33.
Amongst the films misdemeanours are “lies”, “reckless driving” and what the reviewer refers to as “grossly exaggerated flatulence”. We are not told what constitutes a ‘gross exaggeration’, there are no charts to aid our decision making.
The violence in the film seems to be of particular concern, not only “fighting” but “beating”, “strike in the face” and “assault”. I commend the reviewer’s vigilance at spotting the differences between beating and striking in the face, and between these two and assault. And between those three and fighting.
If violence is an issue for our reviewer he may want to set to his Bible with a big black marker to protect the youth. God is the shizzle at imaginative violence, for example, did you know that the dowry paid by King David for his wife was 100 foreskins? And not only did David go and get them without hesitation, he got twice as many, just to show the future father-in-law he was serious.
Kangaroo Jack – 71% evil for violence requiring four synonyms.
God - 98% evil for crimes against the foreskin.
Funniest contravention of Bible law : “attention to crotch”
Dishonourable Mentions
Very few films achieve that golden 100 rating which means there is absolutely nothing Biblically wrong with the film. The ratings system is so robust that not even actual Bible stories can escape the beady eye of the CAP reviewers.
Baby Miracles is a series of Bible stories made for children, and although they got a 100 rating for their re-telling of the story of creation, they weren’t so lucky with Noah’s Ark and Jonah and the Whale. CAP knocks two points off the Noah story because of the ‘violence’ included when people are drowned for disobeying God. Jonah and the Whale is docked three points for violence, namely, yes, you guessed it “man being swallowed by whale”.
Similarly, The Joseph Story, a cartoon by Bugtime Adventures, is reprimanded for showing Joseph being sold into slavery. The Jesus Video has scenes of ‘side-on male nudity’ and, shock, horror “death by crucifixion”, which makes it less suitable for children than The Jungle Book 2.
May God have mercy on our souls – though He probably wouldn’t, looking at the evidence.
